Dear Mr. Musk,
We thank you for checking in on all federal employees by requiring each individual to write five bullet points listing the work they have completed the previous week. We appreciate having a dictator boss who cares so deeply about the individual person. To return the favor, we thought we could recap five things you have done for us last week.
1. Spent Time Interacting With Citizens Online
Last week, you managed to post an average of 65 posts on X a day, which includes original posts, replies and reposts, with your highest at 78 on Feb. 24. We’re sure that posting on social media frequently is increasing government efficiency and is exactly what is recommended as per your job description.
2. Embraced the Use of Creative Dialect and Memes
While you might not remember each individual post from Feb. 23 because you posted countless other times that day, the groups you called out definitely will. You posted a meme with “Pepe the Frog,” a common symbol for white supremacy, labeled with multiple mentions of the “r-slur.” We applaud you for mentioning minority communities in front of your audience of 219 million followers, and are sure that America’s disabled community is greatly appreciative for being the subject of your posts on X.
3. Dedicated Yourself to Ensuring That Our News Sources are Secure
You also seem to be extremely concerned about “fake news” coming from The Associated Press, which you have nicknamed “The Associated Propaganda.” It’s scary to imagine the misinformation that would be spread if it weren’t for your slandering of AP News, and we are grateful to be able to get our news straight from your page on X, rather than these incorrect historical newspapers. Posts like what you posted on Feb. 10, when you informed the public that the Biden administration is “pure evil” for building five-star hotels instead of allocating money for disaster relief are really, really informative.
4. Supported Small Businesses Through Your Fashionable Wardrobe Choices
On Feb. 20, you wore a shirt with the statement “I am not procrastinating, I’m doing side quests.” We believe that this top is the perfect statement piece to wear at the Conservative Political Action Conference. Wearing a shirt we see listed on TikTok Shop really makes you feel more relatable. We also appreciate your productivity, and your proactive “side quest” to fire over 20,000 federal workers. We also couldn’t help but notice your unique taste in accessories. When we think chic, we think chainsaw. Wielding a weapon of this nature over your head in front of a crowd of thousands of people screams patriotism and unity.
5. Acted as a Solid Role Model for Your Children
It’s good that you don’t hire babysitters, because they can’t be trusted, especially with your eight Musk-eteers ages four and under (eight children as of Hi’s Eye print deadline). Having bring-your-child-to-work day every day is the perfect way to show your children what every hardworking person should aspire to be. When you leave your child behind on stairs at Trump’s pre-inauguration rally, you’re really showing him how to work hard under pressure. We applaud your top-notch parenting.
As you mentioned in another post on X, “Truth is stranger than fiction.” Unfortunately, we cannot agree with you on this. Although it may seem strange that an unelected official has the authority over the US that you have been granted, we think that this level of unchecked power is exactly what the United States needs to prosper.
If you agree with all of our assessments, please respond to [email protected] promptly. As you have previously stated, a response should only take five minutes.
Respectfully,
Maddy Coen and Katie Makely