One student even reported seeing Browne shame an intruder into submission by sternly placing a hand on his shoulder and boldly looking him in the eye.   

“He just came out of nowhere and gave him a disapproving look and slowly backed away. He just disappeared into thin air,” reported the student. (Hi’s Eye granted anonymity to the source for security purposes). The intruder is currently in stable but critical emotional condition.

Upon learning the true nature of Browne’s position, Officer Jeffrey Johnson, Westfield’s school resource officer, seemed relieved.

He said: “I feel a lot safer knowing that there’s someone like Mr. Browne here for backup. No one messes with Mr. Browne.”

Said Principal Mr. Peter Renwick: “In hindsight, this makes sense. Mr. Browne is always making security suggestions and always seems to be slyly advancing his way through the WHS ranks with his charm and popularity. The other day, Mr. Browne crushed Officer Johnson in a push-up contest. It was impressive.”

Recent questions have also arisen about Browne’s attire.

Said Assistant Principal Ms. Margaret McFadden, “It’s not every day when you have a competent, effective and lovable undercover security officer.” McFadden added, “But what’s truly remarkable is his incredible fashion sense—Browne’s hallmark.”

In fact, rumors have spread suggesting his pocket square covers a badge and that he does, in fact, own a Kevlar three-piece-suit.

His new eyewear has been speculated to be facial recognition software, or perhaps he now owns the next generation of Google Glasses.

When asked for a comment, Browne denied these claims, but our assistant reporter attests that Browne was crossing his fingers behind his back.
​

It’s okay, Mr. Browne; your secret is safe with us.