Dear college spam, let’s break up

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Dear college spam, let’s break up

Avery Conrad

It all started my sophomore year. Two emails sat in my inbox. The first was from the College Board, and it notified me that my score report was available for my PSAT. The second was from Erin Finn. Who the heck is that?

When it came to the box on the PSAT answer sheet where I was supposed to copy down my email, I naively thought about whether or not I should fill it out. What was the worst that could happen? I was about to find out. Little did I know, I had just entered a three year long relationship that I will never forget.

“Avery, join a diverse community of lifelong friends” stared back at me every time I opened my email. How could it be spam? It knew my name. My curiosity got the best of me and I finally opened it. It told me that I was a promising candidate, a perfect match for Jefferson. Wait, what?

A college email? I had never even stepped foot on a college campus. I was but a clueless kid, I was certainly not ready to enter this relationship. But here they were, flooding my inbox: they were after me.

As I continued through my high school education, my notifications never stopped. Mark Hergan told me, “Avery, Stevenson grads get jobs” and Joseph Marrone promised, “you’ll get sucked in at Hofstra!” Each email told me that colleges knew my scores, knew my grades, knew my personality; and I was a perfect match for all of them.

Now that it is time to send in my applications, my stalkers have gotten even more persistent. “Avery, you’re a graphic artist who manages an indie band,” one email told me. Not quite, but it was certainly a good attempt to get my attention.

“I’m sorry, I just have a lot going on right now. It’s not personal, I just can’t keep up with the hundreds of you vying for my attention,” I thought every time I banished another message to the spam folder.

My only hope now is that next year, my stalkers will find their perfect matches. I know I have outstanding potential and that every college can offer me “unlimited, unforgettable, unparalleled” facilities, staff, students, majors, research centers, academics, opportunities, and dining halls. But alas, it is time for them to move on.

While it is a great loss for hundreds of universities around the country, I can only attend one. I hope that they find someone who suits them better, understands them more. To the majority of colleges that will not be receiving my tuition: it’s not you, it’s me. I hope you can forgive me.